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Holy Smokes! Gunning for Marlboro Cigarette? You Have Been Warned
There was a sphincter-clenching advert in last Sunday’s papers. It came with a WARNING. Filling half a page was a photograph of a thug pointing a revolver directly at my head.
I automatically ducked and spilt hot coffee on Brenda who shot out of bed and stood on the cat who attacked the dog who jumped on the bed and bit me in the leg.
After the paramedics left, I went back for a second look at the advert that caused all the trouble. WARNING. Sounded serious. The gangster with the gun looked pretty serious, too. He had the face of a man who has just walked in from a hard night of smoking tik to find me schtupping his mother.(www.olymall.com)
I thought the advert was going to advise me what to do this festive season should I be confronted by a street-smart sociopath suffering from dangerously low self-esteem and a violent drug-induced psychosis. But, no. It was a warning not to buy [link widoczny dla zalogowanych]. Excuse me? Was this desperado going to shoot me if I bought a box of black-market fags? In a print size slightly smaller than WARNING, I was told: “The money you spend on [link widoczny dla zalogowanych], he could use to buy guns.”
Being a Cell C subscriber, I should be accustomed to having trouble making connections, but this was something else. My mental clutch was slipping badly. Then I read the even smaller print. “Often the person smuggling [link widoczny dla zalogowanych] is involved in other criminal activity. If you buy a pack of 20 [link widoczny dla zalogowanych] for under R13.50, it may be illegal. Stop your money from helping to pull the trigger.”(www.olymall.com)
Firstly, what kind of hoodlum needs to stand on street corners selling packs of contraband Marlboro to be able to afford a gun? Here in Cape Town, if you want a gun, you stab the person who has one and take it away from him.
Your neighbour was shot by someone who wanted his car? Do you smoke? Are your [link widoczny dla zalogowanych] the genuine article? If not, you’re just as culpable and should hand yourself over to the police at once. Please let me know when you do, because I want to be there when the constable takes down your statement (www.olymall.com).
“Yes, officer, that’s what I’m trying to tell you. My neighbour was killed by a hijacker and I blame myself because I bought a packet of dodgy smokes last week while waiting for the lights to change. Arrest me!”
Half a page is apparently not enough to drive home this valuable public service announcement. A separate advert, also with a WARNING, says that if you tick the box to any one of five statements, you could be in possession of [link widoczny dla zalogowanych].
Here’s one of them: “There are the wrong health warnings on the pack.” Would something like: “Choking hazard. Not for children under three” fall into this category? Bit of a grey area.
Another says: “The readings on the pack are higher than 12mg Tar and 1.2mg of Nicotine.”(www.olymall.com)